Star Wars: Disney Has Ruined It
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2017-12-28 13:36 by Karl Denninger
in Musings , 1098 references Ignore this thread
Star Wars: Disney Has Ruined It
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I saw The Last Jedi on opening night.

I enjoyed the film.  But with that said, let me offer the following: Disney has ruined the franchise.

Oh, don't get me wrong -- the cinematography was excellent.  The use of CGI unobtrusive and convincing.  Lighting, sound, right up the line where you expect it to be.

But then the troubles started, and they're all related to the story.

Disney has infused this with just too much bull**** -- and layered plenty of SJW crap on top.

If you haven't seen it yet don't read any further, as there are a lot of spoilers in here.  Then again, there's not really much to spoil when it comes to the story, so I'm not sorry -- not one bit.

Let me preface most of this by saying that when I go see a science fiction film these days I expect rank violations of the Laws of Physics.  Artificial gravity within ships, for example, so we don't all need magnetic boots or a vessel that rotates to produce centrifugal force.  Force fields (not the least of which are necessary for navigational deflectors, lest a grain of sand in space puncture your nice ship and let all the air out!)  Drive systems we can't really explain, but which have plausible explanations that are at least consistent within the story (hyperdrives, for example.)

In short I suspend disbelief when I walk into the theater -- unless it's a movie like Gravity, where the setting of the film in the present day (with our limitations) means that I get assaulted within the first 20 minutes by physical impossibilities being presented as major plotlines, recognize them, and it pisses me off for the next two hours straight.  That's what I get for having a decent understanding of orbital mechanics.

But let's just go after a few in The Last Jedi that are simple gratuitous lines of crap -- and which if Disney had paid any attention to anything were easily overcome without being so damned stupid as to puncture the suspension of disbelief bubble not in the theater, but upon later reflection.

First, Leia gets blown out into space when her ship's bridge is hit by missiles.  So do a lot of other people, and they all die as you'd expect someone to when a ship gets hit by a missile, it blows up, their ship now has a big hole in it and the contents of that compartment, including the atmosphere and occupants, are ejected into space.  Leia doesn't die -- she's not crisped by the very large explosion of said missile (really?), not hit by any of the debris from said explosion (REALLY?), and doesn't freeze to death in the zero-atmosphere and near-zero-temperature of deep space.  Instead, although unconscious, enough of her mental acuity survives to use The Force -- despite never being trained in its use whatsoever in any previous film -- to move her physical body (which, I remind you, was ejected at a high rate of velocity out of said ship) back to the ship, back through the hole in the destroyed bridge and to the door.

Ok, we're already into theater of the absurd so I hope you don't mind the next bit of idiocy when the crew of said ship opens that very door which is visibly open to deep space behind her as the entire front of the bridge has been blown to bits by the missile strike and not only do the control systems on said door not have any safeties on them to prevent that abjectly suicidal act somehow committing this act does not immediately depressurize the rest of the ship and suck everyone inside who are in street clothes, starting with the fool who hit the controls at the door, out into space to die.  There is no airlock door behind her, in short, that is closed before that door to the corridor is opened.  What the actual ****?  Why do we need doors, windows and similar structure on said ship at all?

Next, we have the bombers.  Bombers that are very large ships (since they're full of bombs) but are both very slow and without any apparent shielding or material defensive capability -- and thus are easily blown up by little Tie Fighters that are a hundredth of their size and displacement.  Against exactly what were those bombers designed to be used -- Ewok colonies?  Ok, we'll leave that alone for a minute; one bomber survives, sort of, albeit severely damaged with the entire crew apparently dead save one Asian chick inside in the bomb bay with a manual pickle switch that is rattling around on a catwalk above her.  Said bomb bay door is open to deep space over the target with said Asian chick inside, minus any exposure protection.  No spacesuit, no helmet, nothing.  Despite this she does not immediately die (although in zero atmosphere since the bay doors are open to deep space) and there is no apparent force field either, never mind the ship being grievously crippled.

That would be bad enough but then in a miraculous last-ditch act the bomb pickle switch falls off the catwalk into her hand, she pickles the bombs and gravity drops them out of their racks exhibiting the expected V^2 gravity acceleration curve toward the target.  In deep space.  Said bombs hit the dreadnought and blow it up, along with the bomber and Asian chick.  Yes, I buy artificial gravity inside a spaceship for the convenience of the crew but not in deep space beyond said ship's walls, which means that such "bombs", had the writers had a single ****ing lick of sense, would have had to include some means of imparting acceleration to the projectiles (like a small rocket on the back of each, etc.)  Nope -- these are clearly iron bombs and fall from their racks unaided all the way to their target.  Fall.  In space.  Yeah.  Pardon my giggles at the abject stupidity of Disney's screenwriters.

If you watched the earlier Star Wars movies (you know, the ones where someone actually had a ****ing clue when they wrote the scripts) you'll notice that when ships come into a landing bay in space there is an obvious force field encircling the entrance containing the atmosphere in said bay and preventing all the people (and things) inside from being instantly sucked into space and dying of exposure.

If that's not bad enough the rebel fleet, being chased by the First Order and now having lost its bombers and pretty much all of its fighters as well has multiple ships running away in formation but low on fuel.  Oh, we actually have fuel that can run out?  I'm impressed that someone within Disney remembered that ships need fuel!  But as they run out of fuel they magically stop and come into range of the First Order's weapons -- and are destroyed.  Yes, they just stop -- in deep space.  I see Disney's writers have never considered that a spaceship is not a car -- or a Disney bus -- and upon running out of fuel will continue on its present course and speed effectively forever, or at least until it gets caught in something's gravity well or hits another object, likely long after everyone inside has run out of oxygen and frozen to death.

The idiocy doesn't stop there as we must consider the command ship (which has the most fuel.)  It exactly matches the First Order's Star Destroyer velocity -- to the literal meter/second -- and thus can neither escape or be overtaken until its fuel runs out, which thus forms a convenient "you're going to all die" deadline.  In other words the writers inserted an utterly idiotic plot device that has no reasonable explanation in any universe (Star Wars or otherwise) but is used merely to find a way to add a day or so to the plotline for other mindless diversions -- while killing nearly all of the rebels much like a raccoon slaughters your chickens in the middle of the night.

There are dozens of ways to get where they were going in this regard but instead of actually deploying an IQ greater than my shoe size the writers chose a story line that was stupid enough to make one throw up in their seat.

Then we have an ersatz-commander, next in line if you will after the previous commander got blown up, who happens to be a hippy-haired woman.  Said "commanding officer" has no actual plan at all and no apparent combat experience of any sort; what she originally intends to do is effectively abandon ship, putting the people on unarmed, defenseless small craft and thus get everyone on board killed.  She dismisses the guy who actually led blowing up the dreadnought (albeit with horrific losses) when he points this out -- although he doesn't appear to have a plan either, so what's his excuse?  He says "nuts" to that crap and leads a mutiny but the hippy-haired chick ultimately wins -- not on superior decision making (fighter-jockey, in an act of utter witless stupidity doesn't even bother tossing hippy-hair in the brig!) but, well, just 'cause Leia wasn't quite done yet.

Then, after watching most of those who hippy-hair orders into unarmed and defenseless ships die one laser-blast at a time our mealy-brained "newfound hippy-hair general" has the brilliant idea of using the warp drive (which she can only use once due to lack of fuel) as a weapon and points the ship at the Star Destroyer, engaging the drive and cutting through it, blowing herself (and it) to bits.  Nice suicide, lady.

The cinematics of this little special effect are awesome -- it's arguably the best special effect sequence in the entire film.

But the wanton and outrageous destruction of the entire previous seven movies plotlines, never mind the permanent destruction of all future Star Wars movie plotlines, was lost on the writers who spent all of 15 seconds straining their collective 30 IQ points before committing this piece of crap to the silver screen.

There is no shortage of people willing to die on either side of this conflict (whether ordered to do so or not) and there is also no shortage of hyperdrive-capable ships.  Therefore it makes utterly no sense, if the physics allow you to use a hyperdrive as a kamakazi weapon, to not have done so in Episodes I, II, III, IV, V, VI, and VII, never mind Rogue One.  Oh, you need no actual pilots either although there are plenty of them willing to die since you can program a droid (or autopilot) to drive said ship in this fashion.  Indeed it is strongly hinted at (but not stated) in Episode IV (yes, the original Star Wars) that you can't use a hyperdrive like this; attempting a hyperspace jump without having a clean solution from the computer first means you die -- for nothing.

Alderaan, for example, had a perfectly-good defense (despite being a peaceful planet with no weapons) against the original Death Star -- all they had to do was hyperdrive a cargo vessel into the damn thing before it got within range to blast them!

Finally, as if there hasn't been enough damage done to the previous movies and both their plots and characters there's Chewbacca.  He kills, guts, skins and cooks a Porg (we don't actually see him do those four things, but one must assume it when a nicely-cooked Porg appears in his hand) and then balks at actually eating it when another live Porg looks at him forlornly. Really?  Where the **** did Chewie from Episode IV go -- you know, the Wookie that is reputed to rip the arms off his opponents in a board game when he loses?

I won't get into the entire Luke and Rey thing, or how Snope buys the farm.  Arrogance is nothing new in the Star Wars universe and it has killed plenty of bad guys (and more than a few good guys) but here again the opportunities for real plot and character development were squandered.  Yes, the CGI was good, yes, the "gotcha" minutes were nice, but there was plenty of character line to be run, plot to be maintained and more all flushed down the toilet of convenience and Disney's Hanna-Montana style script editing.

Or none in the name of expedience, as the case may be (and I suspect was), at least not among anyone who actually watched and remembered more than 30 seconds of any of the previous films!

Finally we got treated to the SJW appearance of "anti-war" crap among the rebels just as we're about to see an actual hero do an actual heroic and selfless thing -- and save a bunch of lives.  The only such act, I might add, in the entire ****ing film.  Oh, and that act of vagina-laden sabotage against her own side didn't merit a much-deserved and immediate summary execution by the rest of the rebels when she has the temerity to return to the decimated base immediately after she intentionally let the First Order blow it up!

I could keep going... but really?  What's the point.

Force Awakens was an obviously-overdone reboot of Episode IV.  Last Jedi managed to keep most of that sort of flashback-cringe stuff from appearing in my mind from Episode V this time around (there were a couple of moments) but the irreconcilable backward damage they did to the Star Wars universe story of science fiction and plot grossly overshadowed that, albeit with enough delay that I managed to get out of the theater before it really started to sink in.

Disney will keep this crap up as long as people keep buying tickets, and if the box office is any indication on this one it'll be lapped up like Obamacare health insurance premium price hikes.

I'm not sorry I saw it for the cinematography and CGI, but that which I grew up with is gone, forever buried in the world of Disney SJW horse**** and script writers who I'd pour beer upon were I to ever get the opportunity.

George Lucas should commit seppuku on national television for allowing this to happen to his brainchild as should Mark Hamill for not walking off the set in disgust long before the first screening.  Then again I'm sure the money was good, so there you have it as they've both cemented their places in my mind as feckless, rich **********s unworthy of a decent burial.

May you rest in pieces, Luke and may both Hamill and Lucas choke on their dinner.  It would be a fitting end.

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Mekantor
Posts: 147
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Houston, TX
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And of course the opening text scroll saying "the first order is more powerful than ever" entirely dismisses the need for a Starkiller Base.

Check out Blade Runner 2049 for a nice SciFi
Cluelessinfl
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Florida East Coast
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Agree totally, Karl. The bombs did it for me. Gravity bombs in space???

However, Lucas wasn't immune from ****ing up the movies himself. Remember "midichlorians" and Jar Jar Binks?

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Tickerguy
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Quote:
Check out Blade Runner 2049 for a nice SciFi

I saw that sorry excuse for a sequel too.

That one I ALMOST walked out on.

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Winding it down.
Rebbepete
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Owings Mills, MD
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I was ... amazed, and not in a good way. Add to it their penchant for inventing new things that the Force could do.

They loved to have people walk around in areas open to the vacuum while dressed in street clothes. Besides the bridge of the rebel cruiser, there was that whole scene in the blown-up hangar bay. Also, amazing how storm troopers in armor were dead, but Finn and Rose were unhurt.

I don't know if you classify this under the SJW flag, but it bothered me a lot that all white men were Nazis, and all other men were impulsive brutes who needed to be led by women.

All repulsive.
Weezie
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Jared Leto was the only one who could act in that entire film.

Why is Ryan Gossling still getting roles? His casting couch skills must be remarkable as he has exactly one emotion range in acting.

It was nice to see Harrison Ford, but it's obvious that he's just for the paycheck now.

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Weezie
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The Ren / Rey thing was pretty odd too.

What a ****ed up thing to try to base a relationship on.

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Jfms99
Posts: 225
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I am just about burned out on some of this stuff, Star Wars, Star Trek and a lot of the comic book films.

I love good science fiction but really haven't seen any in a long time.

Lately I have been Binge Watching Marvel's Agents of Shield and I like that. I really like Clark Gregg's low key Phil Coulson character and it's not bad for a comic book, sci-fi show.

As for the new Star Wars, if I catch it sometime without having to pay for it, I will. So it may be awhile before I see it. I didn't really like "The Force Awakens" much either and "Rouge One" wasn't that great.
Click
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Hollywood riddles its movies with Marxist, feminist and political propaganda. Those wacko people just keep drifting farther and farther way out there into deep space .... Their minds have landed on some utopian planet "far, far" from down to earth thinking.

Earth to Hollywood! You totally ruined remakes such as Ghost Busters, and your political opinions are turning your blockbuster brands into totally unwatchable ****. You couldn't pay me to ****ing drive down to the movie theater and put up with that ****. Who in their right mind would pay for way, way overpriced popcorn, soda and junk food and sit there next to a crowd of dimwitted lobotomites? I'm done with that scene. I'd rather play high resolution video games. Seriously. I would. And I do. At least I can interact with the young people in my family.
My son said it best when he pointed out that video games and VR will put the movie theater out of business...

Off topic, but did you see Trump's latest tweet about North Korea? The video he linked to tells you everything you need to know about what Trump's thinking. I repeat what I wrote in an earlier comment: there is a 50/50 chance (at best) that war breaks out on the Korean peninsula... Be ready.
Dji
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So it cost you all more in IQ points than $$$

The next Jedi smiley

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What goes up Must come Down- Alan Parsons Project
Rollformer
Posts: 192
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Yet another example of Karl's provincialism. In Episode IV, it clearly says, "In a Galaxy Far, Far Aaway". Who is our gracious webmaster to say that the laws of physics extend to ALL galaxies? According to the left, we cannot be sure that the basic law of morality can even be extended next door! Should not the laws of physics continue along the same lines?

There is some </sarc> there. But I think there is an element of truth in the whole thing.
Rollformer
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Having (hopefully not) insulted our gracious host, I do want to provide the grotesquely materialistic review of my Christmas purchase for my parents. I bought a Kipsch the One. No where near as good a purchase as a purchase of the (I think) American-made high-end home theater equipment that would have cost 10X+ more. Listening to it now. In the same room, there is too much bass. I think this is due to the laws of physics (can;t tell where the bass comes from; you can the treble). The next room over, it is delightfully balanced. Thee bass is drowned out, but the treble reflects quite nicely.

But if you want a blueooth speaker that doesn't listen to you, I highly recommend the Klipsch the One.
Flappingeagle
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True every word.

What pisses me off is that I like the Rey character a lot. I think she is very well done. Part of the reason I like her is because she is believable, they did not try to make her into a sex symbol or a bull dyke, just a more normal person with the force.

Flap

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Raftermanfmj
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Not to beat a dead franchise but ...

Also the trajectory of the weapons used to shoot the transports. Since WHEN to beam weapons have a trajectory? Where is the gravity well thats pulling them down? WHY is their trajectory worse than what youd find from a smooth bore cannon an a 16th century sailing ship?

And Finn and his Asian sidekick go to the rich Las Vegas city of the arms merchants and conclude that even though the mission was a failure, all their friends and the rebellion will die, it was still worth it to mildly inconvenience some rich people, and give screen time to the inevitable Disney plush toy alien horses.

The whole film is a train wreck and even realizing its not sci-fi but heroic fantasy does not ameliorate the level of BS in the film. Like you, Im done with the series.

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Demosthenes
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Thanks for the review. We were seriously debating taking the family to a New Years Day showing. Nope. Not paying for dreck.

They'll release another one in ten years. Copyrights must be protected and all.

Screw Disney right up the bumpipes. I'm tired of movies that are flaming stupidity on wheels, with pretty light shows. It's almost insulting. Never been much for the boob tube, and that's when the glitterati weren't deliberately half-assing their job.

Bah. Rimworld has a Star Wars mod. I'm good, Disney. I'm good.

Nitrium
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100% correct - this movie was a total dud. Here is a well put together (and amusing) "rant" on the film that well worth a look:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QJRw56c....
The story is so full of problems, it's almost like Rian Johnson (who also directed) was making it up as they went along. For all his faults, Lucas at least knew where the story was heading and generally stuck to established lore/canon (well except for his "midichlorians"). You get no such confidence from Disney and they clearly don't give a damn about SW lore.
Orionrising
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yep.... the whole movie plot was stupid....

If you have stealth transports... Load everyone in... have the capitol ships hyperjump out on auto pilot in 3 different directions ...... no one dies.... proceed at your leisure to hidden base.

It did continue star wars grand tradition of abandoning people in slavery. Anakin's mother for a decade anyone?
Goforbroke
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Putting the physics and realities aside, I thought the story line was corny, the acting (other than Rey) horrible, and the "cute comments/moments" totally distracting.

A train wreck.

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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, and not our Darkness, that most frightens us. -- Marianne Williamson
Dennisglover
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I was going to post a remembrance/discussion of "the Kessel run in 12 parsecs", but having checked into it for a few minutes I find that more than enough discussion has flooded the Web (and probably Usenet in the long ago) about this one line in "A New Hope".

I've been done with SW since "The Phantom Menace" (which I'd never have seen had not the local Silicon Graphics people rented the theater for a free premiere showing; I have no way of knowing how many servers/workstations and maintenance contracts they sold in this market, but it was an awful lot; I sure miss that company).

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TANSTAAFL
Oliver1655
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Excellent deconstruction of the inaccuracies of the film. Have not seen it, probably won't until it's out on DVD and heavily discounted.

See lots of these type errors in movies and TV. I thought they used to have people listed in the credits under "Continuity" to make sure things were somewhat accurate in the story lines of the program and to make sure things between scenes were tied together properly.

The inaccuracies that you described in the film are exactly the same as what goes on in every day life too.

We see it all the time. So many think they are "experts" or are informed about something but have a complete lack of knowledge, background,or experiences in life to even understand what is really going on. However, these same people pawn themselves off as some sort of "expert" that must be believed or trusted above all others simply because they perceive (wrongly of course) themselves to be "experts".

We see this with reporters on news programs all the times. They report on stuff that is factually wrong all the time or mischaracterize it to fit a pre-planned agenda. Same thing with people like the Goracle when he claims the interior of the Earth is several million degrees. Yeah right, if that were true we would be a Sun/Star instead of a planet. Yet somehow he still claims to be an "expert" on scientific matters that must be believed above everyone else especially when it comes down to the carbon tax(cough, cough I mean "extraction scheme") to bilk people out of their money.

I'd like to see Karl debate Al on PPV that would be a thing of beauty to watch the disassembly of those arguments and watch a live stream meltdown and annihilation of his carefully crafted lie. smiley

The biggest problem is so many of these self proclaimed experts are impossible to reason or discuss issues with. The less they know about stuff the more determined they seem to argue that they are right.

Karl on the other hand IS an expert on a whole host of topics and I am constantly amazed at his width and breadth of knowledge. smiley
Aerius
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This is why I haven't watched any movies in years; the vast majority of them are **** and I refuse to support the scumbags with my money.

It's far more enjoyable for me to watch science & nature films at the Omnimax theatre with my family. My kids love the IMAX dome just as much as I liked the old IMAX screen when I was their age. Much better film theatre experience than the crappy projectors with ****ty pictures & sound that we get in the regular cinemas.
Tinman
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You should all be watching The Orville. Even the new Star Trek series sucks.

Is that a beer?
Yes
Give it to me
Why?
Because it's 9 in the morning and your piloting a shuttle craft!

lol
Tdurden
Posts: 579
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Yeah, the Blade Runner sequel...what the ****?! The original would get regular rotation at my outdoor theater in my back yard (digital projector on the side of the 20 ft white cinder block garage). I won't even give this new one the honor of my taking the time to torrent it.

I really think I'm done with the new movies. it's almost entirely remakes, reboots and sequels. Some of these movies are barely a decade old and their already being re-made. Our culture has become a snake eating it's own tail...over and over again.

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"I'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next 10 generations that some favors come with too high of a price." -Vir Cotto Babylon 5
Cerich
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ga
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ya know, when someone thinks it's ok to make a statement in public like "I won't even give this new one the honor of my taking the time to torrent it" which is admitting they are a thief, it sums up quite well the state of too much of society.
Tsherry
Posts: 1013
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Spokane WA
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I expected no less than what Karl has described.

This movie after all, was created by the entity that gave us what, FIVE iterations of the Pirates movies? The first was enjoyable escapism; I think I suffered through one or maybe two of the others. Dreck, all of it.

I do expect that I will see this movie eventually. I seriously doubt it will be any time soon. My son, naturally raised with the original trilogy and then polluted with the second three, rolled his eyes when I asked him how this one turned out.

"Dad, it was dog****. You'd hate it."



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Omne mendacium est.
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